Giggles and Whispers: Aggression in Middle School Girls

by Cornelia Wilkinson , '08

It was eight o'clock on a cold night in January. Our house rang with giggles and whispers and the occasional shriek of laughter. In the family room the latest teenie-bopper flick was amusing a crowd of pajama-clad seventh-graders. The sound of pounding feet from above betrayed that others were having an impromptu dance party/ pillow fight. The phone book was missing. My little sister, Lily, was having a sleepover. Mom had rushed to the store when it was discovered that there was no more ice cream in the freezer. My father had wisely retreated to the parlor to read. I was in charge. Suddenly, from upstairs I heard a door slam and raised voices. I gritted my teeth and went to investigate. Another door, further down the hall banged closed. I found Lily, standing in the middle of the hallway, one tightly shut door on her left, another on her right. The sounds of muffled sobbings came from within. Erica and Ashley were fighting again. Both parties were at an impasse. Lily, tired of being peacemaker, burst into tears on the floor. There was nothing to be done; Lily had been telling me the soap opera of Erica and Ashley's friendship for months. The next morning, Erica and Ashley were brushing one another's hair, whispering about the other girls, and drinking orange juice from the same cup. * The fight and its rapid treaty weren't exactly new to me. Any female who has ever been in middle school or junior high can attest to the truth of the story of Erica and Ashley. But explaining the reasonings, emotions, and justification for the girls' actions is much more difficult. What goes on in the twisted, inner-workings of the thirteen-year-old female mind? Why do girls make their friends feel so terrible? Why do they change to fit in? Why are girls so downright mean? The past ten years have seen a tremendous increase in interest in the psychology of young girls. Psychologists and social workers have churned out books, websites, and articles targeting parents, teachers and girls themselves, offering advice and research on how to handle pubescent girls. While there are many competing viewpoints, all seem to agree that, contrary to centuries of cross-cultural social stereotypes, girls are, in fact, naturally aggressive creatures. Unlike their male counterparts, young girls use entirely different forms of aggression, collectively known as subtle aggression or alternative aggression. * Every afternoon between Monday and Friday, Lily stalks up the driveway from the bus stop and hurls open the front door while throwing her book bag across the room. About three out of the five afternoons she stomps in with a melodramatic sigh and crumples into a chair or Mom's arms, weeping. Some days it is about her clothes- Erica says that outfit was frumpy. Other days it is about her size- some girls were giggling in the locker room before gym, it must be because she is fat. Still other days it is about the math test she aced- Ashley called her a teacher's-pet-know-it-all. * The reason aggression in girls has gone so long unstudied is that it operates on covert levels. Levels that often only girls can understand. Levels that often girls don't understand. Levels that rely heavily on knowledge of pop-culture, and fluency in "pop" language. Levels that require expertise in the complicated web of the school social scene- what's hot, what's not, who has acne, who's going to the dance. Levels that are based on Instant Message conversations, last Thursday's episode of The O.C., who got a detention in band, and when Ashley's birthday is. In short, levels that are beyond the reach of parents and teachers. Psychologist Rachel Simmons, author of the ground-breaking book, Odd Girl Out, says that because society has taught girls that they are inherently nice, they must express anger, frustration, and dislikes in ways that are often below the adult radar. * I will never forget the afternoon my mother asked me to pick Lily up from school. As the secretary called down to Lily's homeroom to announce my presence, I sat on a bench outside the office watching the seventh and eighth graders leaving for the day. Girls with tightly pony-tailed hair, glossy red lips, blue eye shadow, and tiny tank-tops flounced by in conspiring packs. I trembled as they looked me up and down. Suddenly I, a good five years older, was horribly conscious of the hole in my jeans, my worn-in sneakers, my oversized sweatshirt, and, worst of all, my childhood woe, my uncontrollably frizzy hair. With a roll of their heavily mascara-ed eyes, an ever-so slight tilt of their chins, and a furrowing of neatly plucked brows, these thirteen-year-olds pushed me into a corner, made me ashamed, and made me wish more than anything, that the ground would swallow me up. The principal came into the hall. "Have a nice day, ladies," she smiled to the students. "Such wonderful girls," she gushed to me. * Psychologists have long known that women tend to invest great emotion in all of their relationships. Middle school girls are no different. Beyond eye-rolling and head-turning, girls have another powerful weapon for aggression in their arsenal. Nicki Crick, a professor at University of Minnesota calls the affinity for using the offer or retraction of friendship as a weapon, relational aggression. Simmons writes that relational aggression is a powerful tool for girls because females, and in particular young school girls, have a deep-rooted fear of being alone. According to Simmons, girls would rather be picked on and ostracized by the group than be kicked out. Relational aggression puts girls under great pressure to conform to the crowd- no one wants to be different or to be associated with someone who is different. Relational aggression also has its roots in a desire for power. Indeed, it gives the girl who holds the cards- that is, the relationship to be validated or invalidated- a feeling of power. She holds the friendship in balance and she can decide when to tip the scales. * By the time I was in seventh grade, the only-pass-out-invitations-at-school-if-you-are-going-to-invite-everyone tenet had given way to the-more-exclusive-your-party-is-the-more-people-should-know-about-it canon. I remember nervously waiting to be invited to Stacey's birthday party- the Stacey whom I considered to be my best friend. In the weeks before the bash, everyone deferred to Stacey (or Erin or Kelly or whoever was having the party), everyone knew the list could be amended at anytime. Everyone knew that to not be in attendance would mean being left out of the jokes, the stories, and fun for at least, at least, a week. * Equally powerful as relational aggression itself is the constant, self-imposed threat of relational aggression. Why else would I have pretended to enjoy UConn games in front of my sporty friends? Why else would I have sat dumbly in the cafeteria while my friends teased me about the zucchini-chicken grinder I brought for lunch? Like butterflies camouflaged to blend in with tree bark, young girls see conforming as a tool for survival in a world that seeks to destroy anything that stands out. What are the lasting effects of such a survival-of-the-fittest climate on girls as they grow out of adolescence and into adulthood? The aggressive systems recede somewhat as girls mature. And although the mechanisms are still there, the occurrence of aggression is less, perhaps because as women grow up they form meaningful relationships with spouses and children that dampen the need for exclusive girl cliques. Nevertheless, my experiences with friends in middle school have had a shaping effect on the relationships I now seek. I avoid girls who walk with the quick, purposeful stride of Kelly Boylin, who, for one miserable week, spread rumors about my hair to the entire school. I hate choosing partners in chemistry lab because of the trauma that occurred when I had to choose between Bethany and Julia in sixth grade gym class. In the dining hall I am intensely self conscious of the types of food I like to eat and am always paranoid that Lindley Dalton will pop up around the corner, point to my plate and squeal, "Ewww! What are you eating?" Perhaps the new interest and heightened awareness of aggression in girls will reduce its frequency. Then again, perhaps not. I doubt anyone would attempt to implement a program designed to reduce the long-recognized aggression in boys- it's considered natural, inherent, ingrained. What might help more than anything, however, is increased recognition that girls are not always sweet, innocent, and nice, that they do, in fact, get mad, that they can, and very often are, quite nasty towards one another. * It is seven o'clock on a warm July morning. I am out for a quick jog before going to my summer job at a doctor's office. As I run by my old middle school, I see that students in the summer program have already been dropped off and are milling around in the parking lot. A gaggle of twelve-year-old girls with high ponytails and higher-pitched squeals is flocked around the basketball hoop. Another clique in t-shirts and sneakers is playing tetherball. One lone girl sits on the school steps immersed in a book. A dozen heads turn and stare at me as I run by. I shudder and pick up speed.